wedding bells

Ah spring, that magical time when the weather changes, the flowers bloom, and all your friends decide to get married. Naomi and I had the privilege of attending two weddings recently, and being apart of them really brought to light some of the interesting ways that a typical Japanese wedding differs from its Western counterpart--and perhaps not in the ways you would expect. So on that note, I thought I'd highlight some of those differences for you.

On the surface, your typical Japanese wedding looks shockingly similar to one you would find in the U.S. Despite having the option of doing a traditional Japanese wedding, the vast majority of couples opt to do a Western style one. The reasons for this tend to be both practical (a traditional Buddhist wedding can be quite costly), as well as personal (the image of a bride in a white wedding dress walking down the aisle has become just as ingrained in Japanese culture as it has in American). In fact, when I do run across examples of traditional Japanese weddings, just as often as not they tend to be between Japanese girls and Western guys, and are often carried out at the behest of the groom. Regardless, they are most certainly the exception rather than the norm.

So what are the steps to carrying off a successful wedding? The first major decision facing the couple is choice of venue. In the U.S., this might turn into a conversation about the merits of having it in a church versus having it outdoors, but in Japan, where space is at a premium, weddings are a business, and that business takes the form of wedding chapels. Make no mistake, these are chapels in name only, and serve perhaps a similar business model to the way that places like Chuck E. Cheese's are designed for hosting birthday parties. The chapels themselves will offer every step of the wedding experience, from pre-wedding reception area, to the chapel space, to the following reception and dinner, as a package that the couple can then adjust and modify according to their personal preferences. For Japan, this model has worked particularly well, with the one downside of offering little in the way of cost-saving alternatives (having the reception at uncle Jim's farm, for example).

Venue chosen, it's now time to invite the guests. Guest lists in Japan tend to revolve around three specific groupings: family, friends, and work. I'll touch on the last one again in a little bit, but suffice it to say, where you work, for better or for worse, tends to have a large bearing on who you are. Once chosen, it's time to send out invitations to notify your guests. One thing you might notice, however, upon receiving your invitation is the lack of a wedding registry. Despite Japan being known for their obsession with gift giving, weddings play out a little differently from their U.S. counterparts. While guests might not bring a gift in the form of a present, they are obliged to bring a cash gift with them which is presented in a special ornate envelope specifically for the occasion. The gift itself is no small matter, with the current excepted wedding rate going at ￥30,000 (or aprox. $300) a head, or ￥50,000 ($500) if you go as a couple. This is a pretty steep price to pay, but again, helps to offset the crazy high costs of weddings over here.

Finally, the day of the wedding arrives. As one might expect, weddings in Japan are very formal affairs, and as such guests are required to come in nice suits or dresses. (As an aside, even details such as the color of your necktie is considered, with pink and white being the accepted options.) Guests are expected to arrive early, and rewarded for their punctuality with some pre-ceremony refreshments. From there, guests are led into the chapel, where the wedding vows and rings are exchanged. A few notes here: first, the pace of the ceremony is often soberingly fast (a brisk 15 min from start to finish is often the norm), second, it's always just the couple up front--no bridal parties or groomsmen here--and third, the ceremony itself is usually proceeded over by a random white guy. That last note is probably worth expanding on.

I was talking recently with a co-worker about the wedding biz for foreigners in Japan, and the conclusion was there is good money to be made as a wedding priest, provided you meet the rigorous qualifications of being: male, white, and having some semblance of the English language. Because of this ingrained idea of the ideal wedding, made popular by movies and TV, there persists this belief that a proper Western style wedding is not complete without a proper Western style priest-y guy. That this is an actual priest is of little consequence, just so long as the image is upheld. This might seem trivial or trite, though I would argue that the same belief is pretty evident in the U.S. as well; how many people without any real religious connection still want to be married by a pastor or priest? It just happens that in the U.S. they're actual priests, while in Japan that role tends to fall on random white dudes looking to make some extra money on the side. In both cases, it's the results that are important, not the means to get there.

Ceremony finished, it's now on to the real meat of a Japanese wedding: the reception. The main components of a reception are nearly identical to its Western analogue: multi-course meal; speeches from guests; slideshows featuring photos and clips of the bride and groom; cutting of the cake etc.; but invariably these take on a unique Japanese twist that can make them feel alien even to someone familiar with them. Though I won't have the time to examine all of them, I would like to highlight a few that particularly stood out to me.

After the new couple has been introduced and taken their seats, the first stage of the reception usually falls to what we might think of as the best man and maid of honor speeches. However, as mentioned above, in Japan there is no best man or maid of honor. So to whom do the duties fall? Interestingly enough, it's the direct work superiors of the couple who usually perform this task. As alluded to earlier, work identity is deeply tied in Japan to personal identity. Even though job security is no longer what it once was, and the idea of spending your entire life for a single company is quickly becoming a fantasy, that idea of work trumping all other responsibilities is still incredibly strong. As such, when these speeches are given by their bosses, it's as much about their accomplishments and responsibilities at their job, as it is about personal anecdotes or funny stories. It was incredibly interesting for me to listen to these, and probably the thing that I've thought about the most since then.

Another major event that usually happens at about the halfway point in the reception is the big dress change. The new couple will be escorted out of the reception area, where the bride will change out of her white wedding dress into something a little more flashy. I wonder if the idea for this is born out of the old 50's and 60's tradition of brides changing into their honeymoon wear, but regardless, this has become its own huge event, and these dresses are paraded out to much hoopla and fanfare. (It goes without saying, naturally, that the cost for both of these dresses is one of the reasons for the high price tag on these weddings.) They are beautiful to behold, however, and are part of the magic of the special day.

One last highlight before I stop. As the reception nears its end, the last major scripted event is the thanking of the parents. Both sets of parents are brought up front, where they are presented with large bouquets of flowers, and read pre-written messages from the newlyweds. This is usually one of the more emotional parts of the wedding, and you'll tend to see a lot of teary eyes as these heartfelt messages are given. J-pop aficionados might recognize this concept from an old (and I should add incredibly catchy) Morning Musume song, whose lyrics are basically a traditional message from a daughter to her mother and father on her wedding day. (I could only find one version of the song on Youtube with English subtitles that, sadly, aren't so hot, but it'll perhaps give you an idea. For those curious, please click here.) Admittedly, I like this idea a lot, and wish it was a more common staple of weddings in the U.S. as well.

The reception over, guests say their final greetings, and leave with their bag of gifts from the bride and groom (see, there are presents involved, just not in the way you expected!). The gifts usually include a selection of fine confectionery and goods, and will often feature some sort of dinnerware set, such as a pair of nice cups, bowls, or plates. Goodbyes being said, everyone heads back to the station to catch their trains, and finally home, retire in for a quiet evening at home (cause let's face it, at $500 a pop, there ain't much money left over for anything else. Sheesh!).